billdip promts
by theneuroticcat
Summary: this isn't supposed to be taken seriously. that's all i'll say.
1. Chapter 1

**here u go **

chapteer 1

"Ah yes, son. One day you shall grow up to be much like me." Said Bill. Dipper smiled, his chest churning like butter.  
Dipper stayed quiet in his father's arms. He looked up, his young mind racing with thoughts. So many thoughts. "I'm so glad you're my daddy." Dipper said as Bill held him dearly. If Bill actually had a mouth, he would be smiling. A tear formed in his eye and dropped to the floor. "Son, what do you want most in life?" Bill inquired. Dipper took a brief moment to think about the question. "To know who my mom is." Dipper replied. He hoped by saying that he didn't agitate his father. "Ah." Bill spoke quietly. "Well, her name was Nicki Manaj." He began. "She had a five star booty, and a pet anaconda when she was still alive. She was a soccer mom though and this led me, over time, into insanity. She acted so outrageous! She would yell at me to do the dishes, switch the TV from my porn to the weather channel, and nicknamed me "illuminati" just for the fun of it."  
Dipper gasped.

"And that's why I had to kill her."  
Bill blinked. "I pulled out her teeth with pliers..I took her and bound her up with ropes and shoved a block up cheese up her butt. Then I cut off all her limbs, stuffed her in a refrigerator, and hung her from the ceiling." Dipper was scared now. "And now that you know.." Bill paused. "I have to do the same to you.." Dipper screeched and he hopped out of Bills warm arms and went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Bill followed shortly after him. "hEEEEEEEERES BILL" screamed Bill. Bill snapped and a chainsaw appeared in his hands, and it was on. He walked over to Dipper and cut Dipper in half slowly. He cut up the boy and put him on a tray and put him in the oven.

The next day Bill had visitors. They were his wife, Nicki Manaj, that he hadn't really killed, and her friend.  
Bill had cooked a nice lasagna. He sat down with his wife and her friend and they began to eat. His wife looked up and said, "Wow. This is real great ya' know? What's it made of?"  
Bill looked up from his plate. "It's made of our son."


	2. Chapter 2

Dipper sighed.  
It had been a very rough night, hunting down desperate soccer moms and fighting off old hags.  
He was tired and dirty. Dipper had concluded that he needed to shower or at least bathe and that's what he planned on doing. "Hey I'm going to go uh, clean up." He shouted to Mabel before closing his bedroom door and walking into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him quietly.  
Dipper discarded of his clothing, letting his vest and shirt fall to the floor. He silently loathed himself. He was so bald on his chest, why couldn't he be a man?  
Dipper then took off his shorts and shoes and underwear and stared awkwardly into the mirror. "uRGHHFG6" Dipper said as he stared at his one inch anaconda.  
Dipper turned on the bathtub and watched the water flow.  
Then he reached under the sink and pulled out a yellow bath bomb with black on it, examining it. Bath bombs were his secret pleasure. Sometimes he would put them up his butt.  
He smirked and slAM DUNKED the bath bomb into the bathtub with a loud splash. As soon as the bath bomb hit the water, Bill fucking appeared in the bath tub with a glass of wine and a seductive look in his eye.  
Then out of no where he started screaming. "oH MY GOD" Bill said as his eye, and his body began to melt into the tub. He screamed again and he grabbed the tub. "THE FUCK IS THIS ? HOLY WATER?" Bill yelled as he melted into the water. Now Bill was a part of the water forever. It's the circle of life.  
DIPPER SCREAMED AND WAS LIKE "HAHAAAAAAAAAAA" and he got into the water. "EW GET OUTTA ME NO HOMO" dipper got out  
Dipper just stared at Bill aka the water and he rubbed his chin. "Guess I'm going to have to put you in a bottle to keep you in" ok so dipper got twenty empty bottles and filled them up with the water that was Bill and he got dressed and he sat the bottles on his nightstand. "why were you bathing in holy water anyways"  
Bill said.

dipper said, " cause i need jesus"  
Dipper went to sleep.  
Twenty years later Dipper was living in a home barely big enough for one person, smoking weed and always drunk. He looked like Alex hirsch.  
He had the twenty bottles of Bill with him. He began to drink them. "sometimes u just gotta let it go..."


	3. Chapter 3

As Dipper breathed heavily, body shaking, sweat trickling down his forehead, Bill couldn't help but coo his sweet, sweet nickname. "Oh Pinetree!" He exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. Dipper looked away shyly, his face splotched red. Dipper kept running, catching up to Bill. "You're such a slow runner!" Bill teased. Dipper sighed. He stopped and went into the nearby forest and Bill followed. After five minutes of walking into the forest though, Bill was gone, and Dipper was alone. Dipper heard a growl and screeched like a barbie doll as a silhouette moved towards him.  
He ran. As the figure ran after him there was a lingering voice in the distance, high pitched and obnoxious. "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" But the figure caught up to him as he slowed and it had a dagger in its hand, and had a square shape and Dipper realized who it was..it was...the...sponge of the bob. It walked up to him and whispered,  
"Are you ready?" Then stabbed Dipper while laughing. It cut Dipper up and cut out his eyes and skinned his scalp and it took off all his clothes and feasted on Dippers flesh. Then after ten minutes it left half of Dippers body ripped open in a clearing with blood everywhere and a knife on the floor. Bill came to the clearing, and saw Dipper and ran over and began to sob. He took a chunk of Dippers brain and smothered it on his face. "No.." He whispered, a tear in his solo eye. "You're no longer fresh..I was going to eat you...you looked so tasty" Bill sighed and made a bag appear and he put the pieces of Dippers body in it and went home and put the bag in the fridge, saving it for later. 


	4. Chapter 4

There he was...the boy of Bills dreams. Nash Grier.  
Bill screamed from the window of Victory Secret, a bra in his hand as he pressed his entire triangulum body against the window.  
Nash Grier...his face was so...perfectly grey..and rusty..his skin...it was like..metal. Cold, but warming in its own way...  
Oh wait no that's just a trashcan.  
Bill sighed as he realized it wasn't really Nash Grier. He got off the window and bought six bras and panties and put them on them he floated out to the streets of the mall.  
Coincidentally, Dipper was runnin down the street. "hi peentree" said bill with a long..wistful..depressing sigh.  
Dipper could feel his eyeliner and depression rubbing off on him. "uh hi Phil" dipper said "or bill whatever your name is"  
Bill frowned. even though he doesn't have a mouth...I guess...he frowned with his eye..  
"sIGHHHHHGHGGGHGFHHGG" Bill said, floating closer to dipper. "what's wrong" dipper asked. "Do you ever just..have a role model that you'll never meet bc...they're too...famous for your lame ass?" Bill inquired. "yeet..." Said Dipper as he thought of Nicholas cages beautiful smooth skin.  
Bill churned some butter. "yeah..." He said. "Yeah..." A week later Bill was at his home. he sighed as he made out with a life size Nash Grier board. He laid it on the bed..."ull never understand..." He said as he caressed Nash griefs cardboard face.  
One tear fell from his eye. "YOUNG LOVE MYRDERED THIS IS EHAT THIS MUST BE I WOULD GIVE IT ALLLLLL TO NOT BE SLEEPIN ALONE OH ALONE OH" Bill painfully sang.  
666 miles away dipper could hear bills ten year old high pitched prebusecent voice screech and crack all the glass in his house.  
dipper laid down. "there he go..." Dipper whispered. "there he go.."


End file.
